It's So Hard To Say Goodbye...

It's So Hard To Say Goodbye...

"How do I say goodbye, to what we had the good times that outweigh the bad I'll wave them back..."  The lyrics of Boyz II Men popped in my head as I pulled up to my childhood home in Upper Darby for the very last time on August 17th. After much debate, I made the decision to go visit my childhood home for a little bit of closure. After my dad's sudden death I didn't go to Upper Darby very much... I guess just the thought of going there without him there was too much for me to handle so I avoided the house altogether. 

So I made the last minute decision to go the night before my mom's move. I arrived in the late evening with my three daughters in tow. I wanted them to be there and see the house for the very last (and for the Lucy, the first) time.  I walked around the house and thought back to some fond memories of major events: moving there in 4th grade, block parties, grade school and high school friends, college, my wedding day, etc... When I visited the basement, it was odd not seeing all of my dad's tools, yard equipment, etc...the only remaining item was an old workbench that we've actually got for my grandparents house. But, when I closed my eyes, I could picture my dad standing there at his table saw.

The house was more than four walls, a floor and a roof. It was a home to me...a safe place. A place filled with memories both happy and sad. I remember the friends (both lifetime and season friends)  that were a big part of my life during those seasons. They are apart of my past and a part of who I am.  I can vividly remember the day we moved in to our home June, 1988 when Melissa and Patrick were anxiously waiting outside to met the "new" neighbors.  My sisters and I were excited to have friends around our age to play with. I remember many nights of bike riding, tag and kick the can with the neighbors, my wedding day and unfortunately, the day I was called home to find out my dad was gone. Those are same of the memories that are wrapped into the place we called home.

231 you always be in my heart thank you for giving me a home. I'll leave this blog with one final quote my favorite quote from the movie Hope Floats..." Beginnings are scary endings are usually sad but it's the middle that counts the most.  If you find yourself at a new beginning just give hope a chance to float up because it will."

XOXO,

Kathleen

They say its your birthday...

Happy 63rd Birthday!

Happy 63rd Birthday to my Dad in Heaven!  Not a day goes by without us missing him.  

This post is a way to share the memories of my dad with my daughters. I don't want this post to be a long rant about how tough life can be but rather focus on the positive of it.  Yes I do miss my dad dearly and grieving his death has definitely given me different perspective. It has now been six years-six and a half to be exact and as I write this post I realize that I have many blessings and the blessings stem from my childhood. I wouldn't be the person I am today without the guidance that I have gotten from my dad. Was he perfect? Was he the president of the United States?  Was he a saint?  The answer to all those questions is no, but to me he was someone I admired.  Every morning I wake up and I thank God that I have today I often think that my dad woke up on January 24th 2011 and knew it might have been his last unfortunately I'll never know for sure. But today on his 63rd birthday I smile and I think of the moments with peace and comfort.

I remember our drives to the Poconos. I remember meeting him for lunch just a few years back. I remember him ordering and iced tea and a hot dog from the vendor carts as we sat on a bench outside of the University of Pennsylvania and talked about life. I remember in college when I realized it did not want to be a bio major anymore and I was afraid to tell my dad because for 21 years I spoke about being a doctor he didn't discourage me and he didn't make me feel bad about my decision to change what he did was he helped me he went with me to meet with my College advisor and determine the best path two graduating and having sex with life I remember my dad always being there when I needed him most I spent two and a half years of going to classes downtown after work and to make my commute in the nighttime hours safe he would call me and talk to me as I walk to 30th Street Station I remember my last class on December 7th 2010 I was in a rush to get to the train station and I didn't call him until I had gotten there and he said to me Kathleen I was really hoping you would have called because I wanted to pick you up tonight and drive you home this may seem like such a small minor thing for me that was enough. I didn't need material things in life what I needed was to know that someone cared and that is exactly what I got from my dad those are the exact things that I mentioned above that I learned to carry with me as a parent what I want to do is provide my girls with the life knowing they have parents that are always there no matter what so today as we celebrate my dad's 63rd birthday I've raised a glass and I celebrate the hard-working man the life that he had the life that he create it for all of us and I say thank you for him the things I have today would not be possible.

Till me meet again, Papa xoxo

A Final Farewell

A Final Farewell

In just a few short hours we will all say goodbye to Phil's hill--a place that holds the very heart and soul of our dad. For as long as I can remember, my dad talked about owning a place on a mountain. He enjoyed wildlife, fishing, hearing birds chirp, trees and the quietness of the mountains.




Summer 2012

He finally got that wish in 1999/2000 when he purchased 10 acres of land in the mountains north of the city of Lock Haven, PA. he spent many weekends travelling 4 hours to build the cabin he wanted. In December 2010, he took his last trip there (unknowingly), locked up the house for the winter with hopes to return in early spring and finish building the inside.  Spring 2011 came, the tree leaves bloomed, the grass grew, the birds chirped, the animals came out of hiding, but Phil did not return. Left behind were tools, coffee beans and mugs, boots and other miscellaneous items.

Stream by Phil's Hill

Over the past four years, it was visibly difficult for any/all of us to visit Phil's hill. I know for me, the thought of moving his tools and other belongings was too much to deal with emotionally. So, I chose to avoid everything including his mountain property. I went once in the summer of 2012 and being there was too much-I left without a desire to go back and face the reality. My mom recently made the decision that it was time for us to sell the place and move forward with positive and happy memories of the times we spent there.

Last family photo at Phil's hill

This past weekend my sisters, mom and I sat at Phil's hill with a mixture of emotions that ranged from laughing with happy memories of past trips to sadness to have to let go of such a monument of our dad.  This past weekend was special though. It was a special time for us all to bond and hold close our own personal memories of a great man that was lost four years ago. My sister's and I spent Friday sorting through items, selecting which  we wanted to bring back to our own homes and remembering the fun trips we had in the past.

I took as many pictures as I could, listened to the sound of chirping birds, smelled the mountain air, touched each wall of the cabin and  breathed in as much of the present as I could, took one last look around and quietly left. As we pulled out of the driveway, I watched the house fade in the side view mirror,  I quietly sad goodbye to my dad.

Ideas for the house

Ideas for the house

Cardinal

Siblings

Last view of the hill

Many of you may not understand the pain and heartache that follows the death of a parent--it's unexplainable. Visiting Phil's hill one last time gave me the opportunity I have been looking for the past four years--the opportunity to formally say "goodbye". Till we meet again Papa... XOXO.

Phil happy as can be on his new mower

Note: Written July 2015.

January: a time of change

A Time of Change...

January is the month when we are ready to take on the new year by setting goals and resolutions. It's the month when we look at the year past...happy times, sad times, negatives and positives and hope to foster change for the year ahead.

January 2011, I set three goals for myself: enjoy being a first time mom, lose the baby weight in preparation for my sister's spring time wedding and achieve some DIY home projects. I was the stereotypical 30 year old woman.  The first few weeks of January were not easy. The holidays were over, everyone was back at work and I was home--alone--with a newborn (with the occasional visitors) but, I knew this was my "new" life and I couldn't complain. I had a bundle of joy who stole my heart.

On Monday, January 24th, my resolutions and goals faded away when I received the unexpected news of my dad's death. A death that has left a heartache that could (and would) not be healed. Over the past four years, I have dreaded the month of January. I wake up each year on January 1st filled with anxiety and fear. I spend each day wishing I could hide in a corner until the month is over.  I go through each day in a daze and asking myself if there was something I could have done to change the outcome and think about would I would say, if I could talk to my dad one more time.

Half way through 2014, I promised myself I would change. I knew it wasn't healthy for me to continue life in such unhappy mood. I promised myself I would change the way I viewed the world and the death that has changed me. As the year drew to a close, I knew the biggest challenge would be the month of January. Slowly, I am getting over the anxiety of fear that I have felt the past three years during the month of January.  I have hope and faith that in time I will continue to heal.

It's amazing how in the blink of an eye, life can change forever. I wake up each day and remind myself that I need to live for that specific day: to do my best at work, to be thankful for my husband, for the two little girls that call me mom, my family and so much more.

There are two things my dad always said and I will carry with me each day: "Be thankful you woke up today because you never know when it will be your last. " and "Life's a piece of shit, so, always look on the bright side of life!" (He loved that song from Mighty Python").

 Today, there will be tears, but through them, I will promise to look at the bright side of life.

Kathleen

“If ever there is tomorrow when we're not together.. there is something you must always remember. you are braver than you believe, stronger than you seem, and smarter than you think. but the most important thing is, even if we're apart.. I'll always be with you. ~Winnie the Pooh

Amelia: glasses and preparing for a tonsillectomy

Amelia with her new pink glasses!

Amelia has had quite an eventful summer thus far. Over the past year we noticed Amelia snoring heavy during the night and tired (even though she had a lengthy sleep) during the day. We suspected enlarged tonsils so, we took her to an ENT at CHOP early spring for an evaluation evaluation followed by a second opinion a few weeks later at DuPont.  Both doctors concluded her tonsils were enlarged and needed to be removed.

While we were giving ourselves time to process the idea of surgery another curve ball was thrown our way.  On Sunday, June 1st Amelia woke up with crossed eyes and told us she saw two of everything. This was the first we notice anything with her eyes so, we quickly took her to the local ER. At the ER an evaluation was completed and inconclusive. The doctor did not see any damage to the eye and recommended we follow up with a pediatric ophthalmologist. 

The next day I called the pediatrician and asked for Amelia to be evaluated before calling an ophthalmologist. During the appointment, the doctor conducted a series of test and did notice her eye turning inward. Due to the sudden onset, he wanted to rule out any type of neurological issue.

On Friday June 6th, Tim and I took Amelia to DuPont for an MRI of the brain. The doctors administered a moderate sedation and monitored her closely (due to her enlarged tonsils and possible apnea). Amelia was a great little patient and recovered quickly.Words can not explain how I felt that day. BUT the staff at the hospital were amazing. We thought we had to wait till Monday for the results, but as we were driving home, the nurse from our pediatrician's office called and told us the scan was clear!

So, next up was a visit with the ophthalmologist. He evaluated Amelia and explained that she is far sighted and her eyes have been straining which resulted in her crossing of the eyes. So, we went shopping for glasses. Of course the options were limited as Amelia only wanted pink :)

Amelia loves having her nails painted

Once Amelia was settled with her glasses, we made the appointment for her tonsillectomy on 8/11/14.  On Monday we will venture to DuPont hospital for the procedure. We have faith the doctors, nurses and staff will take good care of our little girl. We are also hoping for a speedy recovery. On the plus, she'll have a ice cream only diet for a few days!

Amelia in OCMD

Amelia, Clara and I getting ready for a Target shopping trip!

Clara: Happy 1st birthday

Dearest Clara,

I just laid you down to sleep, your very last night asleep as a "baby". Tomorrow is your first birthday. Tears fell as I put you down...it's a bittersweet moment. I can't believe you are already one!! The past year, I have been your everything. Your source of nutrition and comfort. I will miss those quiet moments in the middle of the night when it was just the two of us.

While, I'm sad to see those times go, I am happy for the times ahead. This will be the year your personality continues to develop. I am already so proud of the loveable girl you are today. My heart melts when you hug me and kiss my cheek and when I hear you babble "I love you" (I know that is what you are saying).

So, sweet baby girl, I love you with all of my heart. Thank you for the joy you have brought us and making us a family of four.

Love you always.

Clara: nine and ten months

Where has the time gone? I can't help but ask myself that question when I think about how quickly the past three months have gone.

Clara transitioned from crawling, to walking with assistance to walking independently the past three months.

She continues to babble and says (attempts) momma and Amelia. She loves to sing and dance especially when the Frozen soundtrack is playing on the radio! 

Tim is her world and squeals in delight when he walks through the door. 

During the day she loves to eat little crunchies, puffs, oatmeal, yogurt and veggie pouches. 

She loves to play with the kitchen set, farm, blocks and Legos! 

And her favorite is bigger sister, Amelia :)