Grieving:

Grandmas are special

For those of you reading this, I'd like you to play Amazing Grace as background music. 

Dear Grandmom,

Or as I liked to call you "G"!

My heart is broken and I am still in disbelief that you are no longer with us here on Earth. A piece of me left on Friday, July 27, 2018 when my mom called to let me know you had a massive stroke and were not coming back to us. Everything stood still as I wept. That moment is in my mind forever and I wish I had the power to turn back time and change that phone call. Margie picked me up and we drove over to Paoli Hospital to visit you--one last time. Unfortunately, Margie and I shared a similar situation just 7.5 years ago when we received the news of our dad's death. The car ride was somber yet comforting knowing we had each other.

As we approached your room (room 3024), I saw you laying asleep in the bed. It did not look like you and I had a passing thought that it wasn't really you, but, rather I was called by mistake. As I crossed the threshold, I saw my mom there and was reminded that this nightmare was our reality. Caroline and Marirose joined us soon after (with a phone call from Colleen) in the room and we spent hours talking and laughing about our memories of you--all while you were "asleep" in the bed. I wondered if you could hear us and could feel the love surrounded by you. Aunt Anne, John, Mindy and Molly joined us later in the night to stay with you. As Margie, Marirose and I were leaving, my mom told us to hug, kiss you and say our last words. I watched as Marirose and Margie took their turns, but when it came time for mine, I could not muster up the courage to do it.   It was heart-breaking for me to see one of the toughest women I know laying and there was nothing I could do to change the situation. I knew in my heart, it was just a matter of time before the rest of your body would shut down.  I left the hospital room and quietly said "goodbye". July 28, 2018 is when you took your last breath.

You were a constant fixture in our lives and it's hard to imagine our family gatherings without you. I have so many memories from childhood to most recently our 4th of July celebration. You were not the type of Grandmom who had a batch of chocolate chip cookies hot from the oven waiting on the counter for us. But you were always there to help with us when my parents needed a sitter, took me to get my driver's license (all while watching my younger sisters), attended every Birthday, Communion, Confirmation, Baptism, and Graduation. Simply put, you were there.

You let your teenage grand-kids stop by with their friends on the weekends for some sodas and snacks. You would sit and talk with us and be engaged in what things were going on in our lives.

You were the Grandmom who purchased and stored cherry cordials for her granddaughter knowing just how much she loved them. I will never forget the Christmas you gave them to me leaking through the package because you forgot to give them to me when you first bought them.

You put Easter candy out at Christmas time...and your laugh when you were called out on such an outrageous (in our minds) act.  Christmas time was such a fun holiday with you. Each year, you would say "I am not having the day after Christmas party" and yet every year, there you were hosting. And you know, I think it's what you loved the most--hosting people at your house.

You were spunky! We always knew the truth with you and nothing was sugar-coated. You did not hide your emotions and did not like bad drivers. I remember one after--I believe I was a freshman in high school--we were in the car with you and someone ran the stop sign...you yelled out "Where did you get your license? Kmart??". I was pretty embarrassed at the time, but it's a memory that makes me smile and laugh now.

Most of all though, I witnessed you demonstrate your love with my three daughters over the past 7.5 years. You welcomed them into your home, attended their milestone events, gave them $1 with each visit and their favorite--holiday socks.

My Christmas shopping will not be the same this year. I will miss buying saltines, Skippy peanut butter and sparking apple cider but above all, your genuine appreciation for a simple gift. What you loved most, was us being around you and remembering you through the years.


There are so many unspoken words and moments yet to be had, but I am so very grateful for the 38 years I had you.

I'll leave you with this Irish Blessing that has always reminded me of you...because even though you were part English--though you did not admit :), you were the most Irish person I have ever met.

May the road rise to meet you.

May the wind be always at your back.

May the sun shine warm upon your face.

And rains fall soft upon your fields.

And until we meet again,

May God hold you in

the hollow of His hand.

Sophomore year at Cabrini. You were very excited to drop me off.

Christmas 2018

February 2017

With Love,

Kathleen

Life

Life

Today, I left the office and walked for the train a few hours early. As I walked, I felt my throat closing, eyes welling and just an overall sense of panic. In just a few short hours, I will be looking at two grieving parents who lost their 15 month old daughter suddenly and unexpectedly last week. How can I comfort them? Why did this happen to such an innocent child? Why? Why? Why?

As a mom of three young girls, my heart hurts. It's a hurt and ache that is difficult to describe. I'm going to pause and take a few minutes to center myself as I prepare to send my condolences to Matt and Kristie. 

Well, it has been a few days since I attended the Celebration of Life for Teagan Rae.  The composure of Matt and Kristie are etched in my memory. There are heroes in my eyes. They stood their for hours as people came to pay their respects.  They put together an afternoon of food, drinks, chocolates, videos, pictures, memory books and people from every aspect of their life to celebrate the short-lived, but full life of their daughter. In a time of such sorrow, they found the energy to put together a tribute that will forever be in my mind. 

As I listened to the stories Ray shared of Teagan on behalf of Kristie and Matt, my mind started to think deeply of the concept of life. Maybe the simple lesson here is, live with the same joy as a young child. Wake up happy, enjoy simple things such as swinging on swings, climbing a mountain in Colorado and being with our friends and family. Simply enjoy each and every day...the present. Our time on this Earth is not promised therefore; we must make the best of it.

I'm still left with the achy heart and the desire to be a super hero and change this for them. The most I can do is send them all of the love and comfort I can. I'll sign off with the poem that helped me when I was grieving the sudden loss of my dad:

If Tomorrow Starts Without Me

If tomorrow starts without me, and I'm not there to see.

If the sun should rise and find your eyes all filled with tears for me

I wish so much you wouldn't cry the way you did today. While thinking of the many things we didn't get to say.

I know how much you love me, As much as I love you, and each time that you think of me, I know you'll miss me too;

But when tomorrow starts without me, Please try to understand, that an angel came and called my name, And took me by the hand

And said my place was ready, in heaven far above, And that I'd have to leave behind all those I dearly love.

But as I turned to walk away, A tear fell from my eye, For all my life, I'd always thought, I didn't want to die.

I had so much to live for, So much left yet to do, it seemed almost impossible, that I was leaving you.

I thought of all the yesterdays, the good ones and the bad, I thought of all that we had shared, and all the fun we had.

If I could relive yesterday, just even for a while, I'd say good-bye and kiss you and maybe see you smile.

But then I fully realized, that this could never be, for emptiness and memories, would take the place of me.

And when I thought of worldly things, I might miss come tomorrow, I thought of you, and when I did, my heart was filled with sorrow.

But when I walked through heaven's gates, I felt so much at home. When God looked down and smiled at me, From His great golden throne,

He said, "This is eternity, and all I've promised you." Today your life on earth is past, but here life starts anew.

I promise no tomorrow, but today will always last, and since each day is the same way, there's no longing for the past.

You have been so faithful, so trusting and so true. Though there were times you did some things, you knew you shouldn't do.

But you have been forgiven, and now at last you're free. So won't you come and take my hand, and share my life with me

So when tomorrow starts without me, don't think we're far apart, for every time you think of me, I'm right here, in your heart.

- Author Unknown

To my sweet Amelia

Dear Amelia,

I was so happy to see you before I left for work this morning. You woke up so cheerful and sat with me for a few minutes in the living room. This wasn't a holiday or special occasion so, one that may not stand out in your memory as you grow, but one I want you to know.  I'm writing this so you know on September 27, 2017, you added a bit of sparkle to my weekday morning routine.

As I rode on the train this morning, I thought about your birthday. I remember being moved to my postpartum room shortly after having you (you were already there with your dad).  The nurses were talking about the weather and how it was snowing (lightly) outside. I love snow...it's just so magical. And in that moment of discussion, the magic of snow and a healthy, beautiful girl were linked in my mind.

I view you as magical as snow.  You take on that world with such an inquisitive mind yet fearless and strong.  You love learning about how the world works.

You are magical my Dear Amelia.  Enjoy this beautiful world and never stop asking "why".

XOXO

Lucy: 9 months

Lucy: 9 months!

Lucy is 9 months old and cruising through life like a champ. She weight 18lbs 10oz and is 27.5 inches in length. Out of our three girls, Lucy is in the lead by 2 lbs on growth at this age.

Lucy has a smile that lights up the room. She loves people... everyone she sees is blessed by her smile and giggles. She watches with such passion as her big sisters ride bikes, swing on swings, climb monkey birds, read and play. 

The past few weeks she has been focused on learning to walk; she cruises around holding onto to furniture, but daily takes a few unassisted steps.

She loves games. She raised her hands as we say "how big is Lucy?? So big!"  She enjoys clapping and playing peek-a-boo!

We can't believe how fast time is going...we love every minute with our Lucy and love watching her grow and develop.

In happiness,

Kathleen 

To my last baby...

Dear Lucy,
I write this post as I sit with you asleep in my arms. It's a peaceful moment and one I want to document for you. The past few days have been emotional for me as I started to see signs of the need to supplement with formula in your diet. Your nursing sessions and  my milk supply has decreased during pumping sessions. I knew this day would come...I just didn't expect it for a few more months.

My heart aches and it full of mother's guilt. I tried so hard to achieve a full year of breastfeeding with you.  The demands of a full time career (outside of being a mom) with a constant need to be on the go and in meetings has added challenge into maintaining several pumping sessions while away from you.

Life doesn't always go as you plan and you will constantly be thrown curve balls. How you manage them is what is important. Making the decision to supplement is what is important for you at this time.

XOXO

Lucy Anna Thomas

Lucy Anna Thomas: Baby Thomas 3

This is the story about how we welcomed our third daughter into our family. Tim and I welcomed Lucy Anna into this world on Tuesday, December 20, 2016 at 8:30 am. She entered this world weighing 6 pounds, 14 ounces and measured 19.75 inches in length. She is just as beautiful as her big sisters.

The days and weeks leading up to my planned c-section were mainly uneventful. Around Thanksgiving, I started experiencing Braxton-Hicks contractions and thought for sure I'd go into labor early as I did with Amelia and Clara. Lucy had other plans 😊.

I woke up early the morning of the 20th (well I  hardly slept). Tim's mom arrived around 515am and we left for the hospital shortly thereafter. Tim wanted a coffee so, we stopped at Wawa. I enjoyed the quiet and still neess of the cold December morning. I knew this would be my last baby so, I was sure to take in every moment as we prepared for Lucy's birth.

I checked in at the front desk and was escorted to the labor prep room. I met my nurse and we bonded over our name as it's not very often I meet another Kathleen. She asked a series of questions, hooked me up to the monitors and informed me at 7am there would be a shift change. Tim and I had been through this before so, we felt comfortable with the upcoming procedure.


At 7am in walked nurse Sharon. I recognized her right away. She was my postpartum niesw with Clara. I remembered liking her a lot and felt at ease. Dr. Chastney arrived right on time at 745am to review the section with me. With his very social attitude, he joked about the John Carlin skit of  the stars singing all I want for Christmas by Mariah Carey. For any of you who know Dr. Chastney, you can picture his bubbly personality discussing this.

After my prep, I walked down the hall to the OR. Walking myself to the OR was a new experience for me. With my previous sections, I went into labor and naturally. Walking to the OR seemed surreal. So, here I go...just stepping up on a step stool ready to have my belly cut open. It was cold!!! Even though I had two other sections, I was scared! I kept trying to practice my deep breathing and picture myself on a mountain. I visualized chatting with my dad. Visualizing this calm and peaceful scene put my mind at ease. 

Once they were setup to being the procedure, Tim entered the room. He held my hand and we talked about all the amazing things we have going on in life. It was a nice and memorable. Having a c-section is nerve wracking...it's a major surgery and with each one, I needed Tim to help me focus on other things. 

And then at 830am I heard " she is absolutely beautiful! You guys made an adorable little girl". Words cannot do that moment justice. It was amazing. After Lucy was cleaned up, Tim left with her and the nurse to get situated in the postpartum room.


Shortly after my procedure was completed, I was wheeled to the recovery room where I wad reconnected with Lucy and Tim. Tim's parents were taking care of Amelia and Clara for the day so, Tim and I were able to relax a bit and enjoy the time with our new little one.  I remember on Thursday a.m. I woke up and I turned on some Christmas music and I knew that it was going to be a great day I knew that if I set my mind to be positive and to avoid the external stressors the day would be great there was nothing I could stand in the way. Clara spent the afternoon with me and Lucy. We enjoyed watching some Christmas movies, playing games and eating cookies. 

I was discharged on Friday my body was physically healing well I walked out of the hospital (without a wheelchair) with Clara, Lucy and Tim and we drove to Hillside to pick up Amelia.  Our life as a family of five was beginning.

Christmas 2016 was very merry for us. We are excited to watch Lucy grow, learn and be a part of our family.

xoxo,

Kathleen

It's So Hard To Say Goodbye...

It's So Hard To Say Goodbye...

"How do I say goodbye, to what we had the good times that outweigh the bad I'll wave them back..."  The lyrics of Boyz II Men popped in my head as I pulled up to my childhood home in Upper Darby for the very last time on August 17th. After much debate, I made the decision to go visit my childhood home for a little bit of closure. After my dad's sudden death I didn't go to Upper Darby very much... I guess just the thought of going there without him there was too much for me to handle so I avoided the house altogether. 

So I made the last minute decision to go the night before my mom's move. I arrived in the late evening with my three daughters in tow. I wanted them to be there and see the house for the very last (and for the Lucy, the first) time.  I walked around the house and thought back to some fond memories of major events: moving there in 4th grade, block parties, grade school and high school friends, college, my wedding day, etc... When I visited the basement, it was odd not seeing all of my dad's tools, yard equipment, etc...the only remaining item was an old workbench that we've actually got for my grandparents house. But, when I closed my eyes, I could picture my dad standing there at his table saw.

The house was more than four walls, a floor and a roof. It was a home to me...a safe place. A place filled with memories both happy and sad. I remember the friends (both lifetime and season friends)  that were a big part of my life during those seasons. They are apart of my past and a part of who I am.  I can vividly remember the day we moved in to our home June, 1988 when Melissa and Patrick were anxiously waiting outside to met the "new" neighbors.  My sisters and I were excited to have friends around our age to play with. I remember many nights of bike riding, tag and kick the can with the neighbors, my wedding day and unfortunately, the day I was called home to find out my dad was gone. Those are same of the memories that are wrapped into the place we called home.

231 you always be in my heart thank you for giving me a home. I'll leave this blog with one final quote my favorite quote from the movie Hope Floats..." Beginnings are scary endings are usually sad but it's the middle that counts the most.  If you find yourself at a new beginning just give hope a chance to float up because it will."

XOXO,

Kathleen