January: a time of change

A Time of Change...

January is the month when we are ready to take on the new year by setting goals and resolutions. It's the month when we look at the year past...happy times, sad times, negatives and positives and hope to foster change for the year ahead.

January 2011, I set three goals for myself: enjoy being a first time mom, lose the baby weight in preparation for my sister's spring time wedding and achieve some DIY home projects. I was the stereotypical 30 year old woman.  The first few weeks of January were not easy. The holidays were over, everyone was back at work and I was home--alone--with a newborn (with the occasional visitors) but, I knew this was my "new" life and I couldn't complain. I had a bundle of joy who stole my heart.

On Monday, January 24th, my resolutions and goals faded away when I received the unexpected news of my dad's death. A death that has left a heartache that could (and would) not be healed. Over the past four years, I have dreaded the month of January. I wake up each year on January 1st filled with anxiety and fear. I spend each day wishing I could hide in a corner until the month is over.  I go through each day in a daze and asking myself if there was something I could have done to change the outcome and think about would I would say, if I could talk to my dad one more time.

Half way through 2014, I promised myself I would change. I knew it wasn't healthy for me to continue life in such unhappy mood. I promised myself I would change the way I viewed the world and the death that has changed me. As the year drew to a close, I knew the biggest challenge would be the month of January. Slowly, I am getting over the anxiety of fear that I have felt the past three years during the month of January.  I have hope and faith that in time I will continue to heal.

It's amazing how in the blink of an eye, life can change forever. I wake up each day and remind myself that I need to live for that specific day: to do my best at work, to be thankful for my husband, for the two little girls that call me mom, my family and so much more.

There are two things my dad always said and I will carry with me each day: "Be thankful you woke up today because you never know when it will be your last. " and "Life's a piece of shit, so, always look on the bright side of life!" (He loved that song from Mighty Python").

 Today, there will be tears, but through them, I will promise to look at the bright side of life.

Kathleen

“If ever there is tomorrow when we're not together.. there is something you must always remember. you are braver than you believe, stronger than you seem, and smarter than you think. but the most important thing is, even if we're apart.. I'll always be with you. ~Winnie the Pooh